One of the hardest things for me in my process of healing has been breaking down the walls of protection that I have built and fortified over the years.
I have built up walls protecting my story, walls protecting my heart, and walls protecting my emotions. I’m sure if I dug deep enough, I would find even more walls. These walls were put into place for my safety and my self-preservation.
Protecting My Story!
Protecting my story was vital for me to live and function as everyone else around me lived. If no one knew my story then I could not be:
- judged for it,
- blamed for it,
- pitied for it, or even
- looked down on for it.
While these things look (to me) ridiculous now, it has not always been that way. Most of my life it was my only way of survival. This wall has not been broken down overnight, but it has been crumbling down through an extremely, sometimes excruciating, process. A process that has required me to reflect on who I am and who I am in Christ. This process has taught me many things but the most important thing it has taught me is that my story and what happened to me was not my fault. My story no longer carries the weight of shame that it once carried.
Protecting My Heart!
I told myself many times that I had to protect my heart from everyone. No one was to be trusted. If no one was allowed inside, then no one could damage it. At least that’s the story I continuously held onto. Each time I did let someone in, I still had to guard my heart, so the walls stayed up. I always held everyone, even my closest friends (which were few), at arm’s length out of fear that they would get too close, see who I truly was and what my secrets were and I couldn’t risk it.
Most people that knew me before I began sharing my story didn’t even realize how far away they truly were in really knowing me and seeing inside my heart. I learned really early that a heart is easy to break, and I didn’t want to always live with my heart being injured constantly, so I kept it hidden and protected. As I grew up, I did begin to open my heart to a few, but rarely did anyone ever get into the most inner chambers. It wasn’t until recently did I begin opening my heart to people and sharing some of my innermost things. Fortunately, these few people are ones that I would trust my entire life with and I know that they would help to protect my heart even better than I have.
Protecting My Emotions!
This has been the absolute hardest wall to break down. This was probably the most fortified wall in my life. If I don’t feel it, I can’t respond. If I can’t respond to it, then all is well! Oh how well that worked for me! I have spent countless years feeling numb.
The process of going from feeling no emotion to feeling everything has been absolutely miserable. Just being honest, here! When you go from always being numb to the things around you to feeling everything so deeply within, it’s a complete shock to the system. I have cried more in the past 19 months than I did for many years. Not just tears of sadness, but also tears of happiness.
As a young child, I was a crier. I felt things deeply. But, I was told many times that I cried too much; I didn’t have to feel things so deeply and that I should dry it up. Always dry it up. And I did. A little too well. I built the necessary walls to keep my emotions in check. I no longer wanted to feel anything. I later dealt with some things that would have been easier to observe if I had allowed myself to feel, but because of the wall around my emotions, no one could see inside.
I have had to learn that it is okay to feel. It is okay to respond to the situations around me. It is okay to not be okay. I have felt so much over these past few months that I had shielded myself from for so long. I have grieved, rejoiced, and learned that there is strength in being okay with where I am. I am a reader and came across this quote in a book a few months ago:
“Most of us like to avoid dying, and I’m not talking about the final bodily death. I’m talking about the little deaths throughout life. It could be that a loved one passes and you stay strong, holding your chin up and keeping your jaw clenched. For everyone else, you stay strong. Yet, the more you stay strong, the more stressed you feel. Let yourself collapse to the ground like a dying seed, allowing your innards to spill out. Ask someone for a hug, squeeze a pillow, sob, wail. Let this natural death take place within you so your next season of life can form and grow.”
Nic Saluppo in “Emotional Healing through Scripture”
It wasn’t until a friend held onto me giving me this hug, allowing me to sob and pour out what I was truly feeling, how tired I was, and even how much my faith was wavering that I was truly able to begin this healing and breaking down this emotional wall. I didn’t even know that this was what I needed until she did this for me. (I had not even read the words from Nic Saluppo’s book until a couple of months later and realized that this is exactly what she did for me!) Her words telling me that I did not have to be strong all the time were words that I needed to hear! They have carried me over the past 8 months of this journey. I have said the phrase “You do not have to be strong all the time” more times than I can count.
I still have my times of shielding myself from emotion, but I have gotten better at recognizing when I am blocking emotion. I am still learning how to regulate my emotions. I know that I can busy myself numb and am watching for it so that I can work toward a healthier me!
My walls are coming down. I am allowing people to come inside. I’m even inviting others in by sharing my story. It’s not worth the damage to keep everyone out. Share your story and break down your walls.